Monday, August 1, 2011


1. Severe despondency and dejection, accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.

2. A condition of mental disturbance, typically with lack of energy and difficulty in maintaining concentration or interest in life I had not thought of.

   Can you guess what this post is about? So lately I've been very busy with church a family and summer things. I finally got to start a garden this year. Something I've been wanting to do for many years but every year I'm either pregnant or my children were too little for me to put time into it. My youngest is now 3 and I finally have my chance. I had no idea how much time and energy getting it started would require. I did it though. It's small, but It'll increase in size a little each year. I try to keep myself busy, it's the way that I cope with things.When ever I'm upset about something I clean my house. I dive into my ministries at church and find new things to take on. One week it might be organizing the kids toys the next may be bringing home a kitten....His name is Taylor in case your wondering. Coming up on this August, I have this dark cloud moving over my head. Many of you already know that August is when I lost my baby brother. You see one of my worst fears is falling victim to depression. I've seen so many people in my life suffer from it and it runs in my family. Both my Grandmother and my mother suffered from it and I'm so afraid that one day I will be next. My mother's battle with depression started when she was a teenager and she still suffers from it today. I don't remember hardly anything of my childhood up until the age of maybe of 12. I'm not sure why... maybe I just have a bad memory. Anyway, what I do remember is my mother sitting on the couch with her blanket watching TV all of the time. sometimes she would just be siting there in the quiet just sobbing. Then I didn't realize what was happening and maybe I was just being a selfish teenager. When I was about 13 my mother tried to kill her self by taking a bottle of prescription drugs and had to be rushed to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. After that she was in and out of psychiatric hospitals all the time. She abused her medication often and drank alcohol on top of that. We suddenly switched roles and I became the mother and her the child. I moved out when I was 15 because I couldn't take it anymore. I don't want to paint the wrong picture of my mother. She's a good woman and she's had her share of hardships in life, just like the rest of us Soul Sista's. My father was a truck driver and wasn't home very often and my older brother clung to his friends and my younger brother just kinda was left to himself. With no parental guidance he started his addiction to alcohol at the age of 13 and it finally took his life almost two years ago this August at the age of 28. My mother about 4 years ago had a stroke that the doctors claimed was probably brought on by her abuse of medication for so many years. She now lives in a nursing home and is wheelchair bound. She is completely dependent on other people to care for her. She's able to carry on conversations and feed her self and her memory is sketchy. But she'll tell you that she wishes that she just died. She has some good days though. The nurses treat her well and I try to visit her as often as I can. 

After a conversation with a friend of mine I realized that the reason that depression is so scary to me is because it could mean leaving my children at a young age without a mother or leaving them with the burden of caring for me. So with all this being said, I am not depressed and I'm not having any kind of mental breakdown. I'm just very aware of it and when I start feeling down I make sure that I pick myself right back up. I refuse to let it get to me. I realize that it's just another one of my fears. Some are not so lucky they can't just "snap out of it". I used to think that medications were bad because of the struggle that I had with my mom but know that I see so many other woman in my life using medication and seeing the good that it does for them. Some people need it and It's not something that they can just get over. I'm talking about good Christian woman here. They prayed about it and still do. I believe that God doesn't want us to struggle. I believe that God had a hand in developing this medication to help people who need it. I'm sorry if I'm offending anyone when it comes this topic of taking medication. This is just my opinion and it's my blog.
Na na na na naaa!!


  1. Hey Soul Sister...thanks so much for sharing so freely and openly about you and your past. Some of these things I didn't know about you, and I am so glad to now have a better appreciation of where you came from that has helped shape the beautiful, amazing woman that you are today! I am so very blessed to have you in my life as my true soul sister. I love you dearly!