Grief

Yesterday was such a bitter sweet day for me. It was recital day for my sweet girl and my niece. It was so much fun to watch them perform after a whole year of work. They both did so well. We celebrated with Chinese food, family, and friends. It was very special for all of us. Yesterday would also have been my youngest brother's 30th birthday.But two years ago he was killed. He was intoxicated with some friends walking down some train tracks and he was struck by a train. Everyday since, I have not stopped thinking about him. Some days it's more than others. Some days I cry and some days I can push through it without crying. Sometimes people go to visit his grave. I can't go there. I've been there once since his funeral. To me, he's not there. It's just a reminder to me that he's gone. I have a picture that I keep of him above my computer, that I can look at whenever I want. I would rather remember him like that. He left behind two beautiful little girls for me to watch grow up. I hope that some day I'll be able to tell them all about him. It's so hard because I can talk about him sometimes but most of the time it's like one of those subjects that you keep well hidden. I never mention him around my parents. Ex specially my mother. She just seems so vulnerable and frail and I feel like just the mention of him could push her off the deep end. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life is tell my parents that there son was dead. I was one of the first to know and my older brother was in another state at the time. I had to make all of the funeral arrangements for him. I think that having to step up to the plate like that and still having a family to take care of was what kept me from totally losing it.
  My brother was such a friendly guy. He was the kind of person who just loved to have a good time no matter where he was. We had a tough childhood. He had it the worst I think because he was the youngest. I was 15 when I left home and he was only 13 years old when I left him. Sometimes I feel like I could have changed something if I hadn't left. I know that God has plans for us all and it was in his plans to take him. But it doesn't make it any easier. So I just keep praying that someday I will see him again and I'll be able wrap my arms around him and tell him how much I love him. One day. Till then I have to live my life. I have to push through it and enjoy my family that's still here with me. So if you don't see me weeping over his grave on his birthday and holiday's and on the anniversary of his death, please don't think it's because I don't care. It just hurts too much for me to go there. With God's help, I know I'll get through this time in my life. He's why I can get through days like yesterday. Thank you Jesus! I will praise you in this storm.